Loving the Husband More Than the Kids is Key to Good Life?
Credit: http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/loving-husband-more-kids-key-good-...
I remember asking my mom when I was little who she loved best between me and my dad. "It's a different kind of love," she told me then. But the kisses she and my dad shared in the toy aisle, their constant holding hands, and their long vacations sans kids while we stayed with the grandparents told me otherwise. She loved my dad more. And I am so happy she did.
When a family is strong, mom does prioritize the marriage over the kids. But we live in a culture where kids come first. Or, as my friend recently said, "Since when did kids move from the card table at Thanksgiving to the head of the table?" Since when, indeed.
Blogger Joanna Goddard addresses this in her blog and the result is very interesting. She spoke of a conversation she and a friend had after her friend saw writer Esther Perel, the author of Mating in Captivity, a book about sex within a marriage (and after having kids). Goddard says:
Perel believes that there's a badge of honor among American women to not prioritize yourself or your marriage: It's all about the children. Without realizing it, she said, women can end up getting their emotional intimacy and physical satisfaction from their children, instead of their partners, said Perel. They give their babies tons of wonderful affection -- and then don't have anything left over for their spouse. The marriage can become an afterthought.
Um, yep. How many women do we all know like this? It's not their fault. And I don't blame them. But it's a problem. A huge one, in fact.
The fact is, in a family, if mom and dad aren't happy, ain't nobody else happy either. The marriage should be prioritized higher than anything else.
I see it in my own family all the time. When my husband and I are happy and loving with one another, our children are happy and loving with us. They want to get in between us and cuddle and they are much calmer. After all, the marriage is the foundation of the family.
Ideally, children are born from the love two people share with one another. They grow under the umbrella of that love and then they find their own loves with whom they will do the same. Romantic love is so different (thanks mom!) than the love I feel for my children. I would die for my kids, jump in front of a train for them, and move mountains to keep them happy. But my love for my husband is different.
It's burning and passionate and sexual (one would hope!). It gets me through the hard days and sustains me when things feel low. Without him, the rest would fall apart. I know this, he knows this, and we both work very hard to maintain it. It's not easy. My love for my children is much easier and comes more naturally and takes less work.
So in that sense, yes, my marriage is priority number one. It's what made my family and it's what will stay after my kids fly the nest.
I read this article this morning, after my husband pointed it out to me. It got me thinking...Is your marriage your first priority?
Tags: relationships
Views: 197
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Michelle Mills on -
This is one of the best posts I've ever found on a mommy site. Thank you.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer on -
No problem Michelle! I'm glad someone actually posted about it :) Below is my response to the article...
I am a new Mom and a new wife. So, figuring out how to balance nurturing and loving my baby and nurturing and loving my husband at the same time proves to be quite difficult at times. I am so preoccupied with trying to be a good mother to my LO, it's hard to remember that I have to still love, care for, and give attention to my husband. Besides...the love I have with him is responsible for the love I now have for my LO. Like the article says...it's the foundation of our household. So, I definitely need (well, "we" need) to remember not to sacrifice our relationship in the process of loving and taking care of our child. Easier said than done.But, I am going to give it my all and strive to have a healthy marriage and a healthy, thriving baby girl ♥
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Permalink Reply by Giselle Baturay on -
I guess to me I don't line them up in priority level. For example, I wouldn't choose my husband over my kids at all times, I'd go with the one that needs me most at the time for that situation. For me it's all about balance and not a numerical order. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love myself. I do think that as moms especially new moms we forget about ourselves and about our husbands at times and make it all about the baby - but again that's when balance takes place. Babies are high needs and need us more during those first weeks than our husbands do and a good husband would understand that. However balance...baby first can't always be the case since then YOU and your husband get left behind. You have to find creative ways to get some time in with your husband where it's just you and him so you aren't out of balance with your relationship. So again, it's all about balance for me.
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Permalink Reply by Nicole G. on -
This is a great reminder! Thanks for posting! I get so caught up in the day-to-day activities with my son that by the end of the day I'm so tired I often neglect both my husband and myself. We need to be better at this.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer V on -
Awesome post! I'm definitely still struggling trying to find balance.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer on
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That's a good point Giselle...in terms of prioritizing who needs you most at any given time. But, I think the article is really just trying to say that it's important to love your husband first because it promotes a healthy family. I don't think it means you have to pick your husband over your kids all the time. I think being a mom is all-consuming, and, if you're not careful, the relationship you built with your husband or SO can suffer as a result. Kids sense (and can see) when there is strain in the relationship between mom and dad. So, I think it's a good thing to put emphasis on loving your husband and making sure that relationship is not only intact, but, that it's good. Also, I agree with your point about balance and finding creative ways to spend time with your husband. I think all the relationships in a household are important. But, loving your kids comes naturally and is there no matter what. With husbands it's different. You have to work at it at times. So, I think that's why loving and nurturing your husband first is important :)
Giselle Baturay said:I guess to me I don't line them up in priority level. For example, I wouldn't choose my husband over my kids at all times, I'd go with the one that needs me most at the time for that situation. For me it's all about balance and not a numerical order. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love myself. I do think that as moms especially new moms we forget about ourselves and about our husbands at times and make it all about the baby - but again that's when balance takes place. Babies are high needs and need us more during those first weeks than our husbands do and a good husband would understand that. However balance...baby first can't always be the case since then YOU and your husband get left behind. You have to find creative ways to get some time in with your husband where it's just you and him so you aren't out of balance with your relationship. So again, it's all about balance for me.
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Permalink Reply by Jennifer on
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Oh, and I'm glad Nicole G. and Jennifer V found this article helpful too!
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Permalink Reply by Giselle Baturay on
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Jennifer said:I think being a mom is all-consuming, and, if you're not careful, the relationship you built with your husband or SO can suffer as a result. Kids sense (and can see) when there is strain in the relationship between mom and dad. So, I think it's a good thing to put emphasis on loving your husband and making sure that relationship is not only intact, but, that it's good. Also, I agree with your point about balance and finding creative ways to spend time with your husband. I think all the relationships in a household are important.
Yep, this I agree with too. I actually like the blog post that inspired the blog post you posted - it's this one.
http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2011/11/motherhood-mondays-who-ge...
I agree with this one vs. the one posted, which isn't putting it in first or second terms, but just simply stating that we shouldn't forget our husbands while being mothers. That (and I sooo agree) we tend to focus so much on the children that we forget to put some of that energy into our husbands/partners. That blog post worded it in a way I can agree with, without the first/second order, that it's all about balancing and remembering to also nurture our marriages/relationships. I think we're saying the same thing, but with different wording, at the end of the day though I agree that our relationships with our partners needs nurturing so it's not forgotten as we mother our children. And all this makes me look even more forward to this weekend when my husband and I get our date night again! :)
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